Three Communication Skills for Intimate Conversation
The Gottman Institute
Share in Honesty • Engage in Inquiry • Support with Empathy
How to learn and practice the three communication skills:
This exercise will help you make your conversations deeper and more personal.
Name your feelings – Share your emotions and bodily sensations. Use specific words (e.g., anxious, hopeful, relieved) to help your partner understand.
Ask open questions – Invite your partner to share more with prompts like “What was that like for you?” or “Tell me the story behind this.” Use exploratory statements (“Help me understand…”) to show curiosity and learn more.
Express empathy – Acknowledge that your partner’s feelings make sense. Reflect back their emotions with saying something like “You’re making total sense. That must have been so hard”.
©2000 – 2013 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.
Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.
Skill #1 – Putting Your Feelings Into Words
STATE HOW YOU FEEL
Start with simple “I feel” statements that communicate in honest sharing what’s emotionally true for you in a moment.
I feel…
1. I feel accepted
2. I know I am liked
3. I feel understood
4. I feel rejected
5. I feel like you dislike me
6. I feel misunderstood even like me
7. I feel appreciated
8. I feel unappreciated
9. I feel abandoned
10. I feel connected
11. I don’t feel accepted
12. I feel close to you
13. I feel distant from you
14. I am afraid
15. I feel like hitting something
16. I feel like kicking something
17. I am amused
18. I want to be belligerent
19. I feel bashful
20. I feel battered
21. I am baffled
22. I feel beautiful
23. I feel handsome
24. I feel neglected
25. I am bitter
26. I feel comfortable
27. I feel critical of you
28. I feel uncomfortable
29. I feel affectionate
30. I feel tense
31. I feel betrayed
32. I feel like you don’t like me
33. I feel irritable
34. I feel alienated
35. I am angry
36. I am agitated
37. I am restless victim
38. I feel alone
39. I feel lonely
40. I am upset
41. I am alarmed
42. I feel resentful
43. I am astounded
44. I’m upset
45. I feel awe
46. I feel clumsy, awkward
47. I feel belittled
48. I feel insulted
49. I am hungry
50. I am tired
51. I am exhausted
52. I have no energy
53. I feel like boasting
54. I’m depressed
55. I am surprised
56. I feel like arguing
57. I appreciate you
58. I feel like bragging
59. I am anguished
60. I feel like a failure
61. I am ashamed
62. I want to assert my rights
63. I feel like an innocent victim
64. I feel righteously indignant
65. I am apprehensive
66. I have a lot of mixed feelings
67. I feel shy
68. I am horny
69. I feel romantic
70. I feel unattractive
71. I am not sure how I feel
72. I am ambivalent
73. I feel like apologizing
74. I feel regretful
75. I feel disgusted
76. I am afraid
77. I am happy
78. I feel joyful
Skill #2 – Questions & Exploratory Statements
ASK QUESTIONS
After a conversation has begun, if you want to explore your partner’s feelings and thoughts, one of the best tools you can use is asking questions that open the heart. Here are some examples you can try. Anytime during the conversation, look over the list below and read aloud a question that you’d like to ask your partner.
I . What are you feeling?
2. What else are you feeling?
3. What are your primary needs here?
4. What do you really wish for?
5. How did this all evolve?
6. Who are the main characters in these feelings you’re talking about?
7. What would you really like to say, and to whom?
8. What are the feelings you are afraid to even think about?
9. Do you have any mixed feelings? What are they?
I 0. What are your choices as you see them?
11. What are the positive and negative aspects of each of your choices?
12. Do you think this has affected our relationship (or another relationship). If so, how?
13. ls there some way you wish you could have done things differently? How so?
14. What are your obligations (or duties) here?
15. Do you have a choice to make?
16. What would you really like to ask of me?
17. What do your values tell you about all this?
18. Think of someone you really admire. What would he/she do and how would he/she view this situation?
I 9. Does these feelings and needs have any spiritual, moral, ethical, or religious meaning for you?
20. Is there anyone or anything you disapprove of here?
21. ls there anything or anyone you admire here?
22. Is there anything you’ve learned from this?
23. Who is going to be most affected? How will they be affected? Why?
24. Does this remind you of anything else in your personal history?
25. What meaning does this have for you to bring this up now?
26. How does this affect your identity, your idea of yourself?
27. How does this situation touch you?
28. How does this situation change you?
29. How have you changed or you changing now, and how has that affected this situation?
30. How did this all begin, what was the very start?
31. What’s your major reaction or complaint here?
32. Who do you think is most at fault?
33. How do you think things would be resolved in the next five years?
34. How do you WISH things would be resolved in the next five years’?
35. Pretend that you only had only six more months to live. What would be most important to you then?
36. What are your goals here?
37. How are you thinking about how all of this fits into your life as a whole?
38. What, if anything, makes you angry here’?
39. What are the “shoulds”? (Like what should you take responsibility for here?)
40. What is your biggest “turn off’ in this situation?
41. Are there parts of yourself that are in conflict?
USE EXPLORATORY STATEMENTS
While questions are always interesting, sometimes statements that explore feelings are also very powerful at making the conversation deeper and more intimate. Here are some exploratory statements you can try. Again, anytime during the conversation, look over the list and read aloud a sentence you’d like to use to go a little deeper into the conversation.
I . Tell me the story of that.
2. I want to know everything you’re feeling.
3. Talk to me, I am listening.
4. Nothing is more important to me right now than listening to you.
5. We have lots of time to talk.
6. Tell me your major priorities here.
7. Tell me what you need right now.
8. Tell me what you think your choices are.
9. It’s okay not to know what to do, but what’s your guess?
10. I think you’re being very clear. Go on.
11. Tell me all of your feelings here.
12. Help me understand your feelings a little better. Say more.
13. I think that you have already thought of some solutions. Tell me what they are.
14. Help me understand this situation from your point of view. What are the most important points for you?
15. Tell me what you’re most concerned about.
16. Tell me more about how you are seeing this situation.
17. Talk about what the decision is that you think you have to make.
18. If you could change the attitude of one of the key people in this situation, talk about what you would do.
Skill #3 – Express Empathy And Understanding
OFFER EMPATHIC STATEMENTS
To deepen the intimacy of a conversation, it really helps to give understanding and empathy to your partner. First, try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, and understand what they are saying or feeling. Then communicate to your partner that their thoughts or feelings really make sense to you. Below are some great statements you can make that convey understanding and empathy. Look them over and say aloud any that ring true for you, as a follow-up to what your partner has just said.
I. You’re making total sense.
2. I understandh ow you feel.
3. You must feel so hopeless.
4. I just feel such despair in you when you talk about this.
5. You’re in a tough spot here.
6. I can feel the pain you feel.
7. The world needs to stop when you’re in this much pain.
8. I wish you didn’t have to go through that.
9. I’m on your side.
I 0. I wish I could have been with you in that moment.
11. Oh, wow, that sounds terrible.
12. You must feel so helpless.
13. That hurts me to hear that.
14. I support your position.
15. I totally agree with you.
16. You are feeling so trapped!
17. You are making total sense.
18. That sounds like you felt really disgusted!
19. No wonder you’re upset.
20. I’d feel the same way you do in your situation.
21. I think you’re right.
22. I see. Let me summarize: What you’re thinking here is …
23. You are in a lot of pain. I can feel it.
24. It would be great to be free of this.
25. That must have annoyed you.
26. That would make me mad too.
27. That sounds infuriating.
28. That sounds very frustrating.
29. That is very scary.
30. Well I agree with most of what you’re saying.
31. I wouldh ave been disappointedb y that too.
32. That would have hurt my feelings also.
33. That would make me sad too.
34. POOR BABY!
35. Wow! That must have hurt.
36. I understandw hat you are feeling.
37. I totallyu nderstandw hat you aref eeling.
38. Okay, I think I get it. So what you are feeling is …
39. I would have trouble coping with that.
40. What I admire most about what you are doing about it is …
41. That would make me feel insecure.
42. That sounds a little frightening.
43. Tell me what you see as your choices here.
©2000 – 2013 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.
Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.
