The Gottman Repair Checklist

How to Use the Gottman Repair Checklist

What can couples do to repair a conversation going south in the moment?
How do they use these prompts on the Gottman Repair Checklist?

Every couple argues. What matters most is how you recover and reconnect.

When a disagreement starts to escalate—voices rising, hurt feelings mounting—it can feel like you’re stuck in a loop you can’t escape. But there’s a powerful tool that can help couples hit pause and change direction: the Gottman Repair Checklist.

This simple but effective list of phrases is designed to interrupt negativity and help partners re-engage in a more respectful, calm, and connected way. Think of it as emotional CPR for your relationship—a way to say, “Let’s get back to being on the same team.”

The use the Repair Checklist in real-time, whether that means gently asking for a break, expressing appreciation, or simply saying, “Can we start this over?” is all about reaching out and stating a simple phrase. It is about creating opening and willingness to bridge the gap. When both partners recognize and respond to these repair attempts, even the toughest conversations can shift toward understanding and resolution.

You can explore the list of phrases below and bring them into your interaction with your partner, as fitting in your daily life, and make repair a regular part of your relationship toolkit.

I Feel

1. I’m getting scared.
2. Please say that more gently.
3. Did I do something wrong?
4. That hurt my feelings.
5. That felt like an insult.
6. I’m feeling sad.
7. I feel blamed. Can you rephrase that?
8. I’m feeling unappreciated.
9. I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?
10. Please don’t lecture me.
11. I don’t feel like you understand me right now.
12. Sounds like it’s all my fault.
13. I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that?
14. I’m getting worried.
15. Please don’t withdraw.

I Need to Calm Down

1. Can you make things safer for me?
2. I need things to be calmer right now.
3. I need your support right now.
4. Just listen to me right now and try to understand.
5. Tell me you love me.
6. Can I have a kiss?
7. Can I take that back?
8. Please be gentler with me.
9. Please help me calm down.
10. Please be quiet and listen to me.
11. This is important to me. Please listen.
12. I need to finish what I was saying.
13. I am starting to feel flooded.
14. Can we take a break?
15. Can we talk about something else for a while?

I’m Sorry

1. My reactions were too extreme. Sorry.
2. I really blew that one.
3. Let me try again.
4. I want to be gentler to you right now and I don’t know how.
5. Tell me what you hear me saying.
6. I can see my part in all this.
7. How can I make things better?
8. Let’s try that one over again.
9. What you are saying is…
10. Let me start again in a softer way.
11. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

Stop Action

1. I might be wrong here.
2. Please let’s stop for a while.
3. Let’s take a break.
4. Give me a moment. I’ll be back.
5. I’m feeling flooded.
6. Please stop.
7. Let’s agree to disagree here.
8. Let’s start all over again.
9. Hang in there. Don’t withdraw.
10. I want to change the topic.
11. We are getting off track.

Get to Yes

1. You’re starting to convince me.
2. I agree with part of what you’re saying.
3. Let’s compromise here.
4. Let’s find our common ground.
5. I never thought of things that way.
6. This problem is not very serious in the big picture.
7. I think your point of view makes sense.
8. Let’s agree to include both our views in a solution.
9. What are your concerns?

I Appreciate

1. I know this isn’t your fault.
2. My part of this problem is…
3. I see your point.
4. Thank you for…
5. That’s a good point.
6. We are both saying…
7. I understand.
8. I love you.
9. I am thankful for…
10. One thing I admire about you is…
11. I see what you’re talking about.
12. This is not your problem, it’s OUR problem.