Dreams Within Conflict
The Gottman Institute
Work on a Gridlocked or Perpetual Problem:
Help your partner understand the underlying dreams, history, beliefs or values in your position on this issue.
The bottom line about dreams is this:
You don’t want to have the kind of relationship in which you win and are influential in the relationship but wind up crushing your partner’s dream. You want the kind of relationship in which each of you support one another’s dreams. If your dreams connect, so much the better.
©2014 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.
Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.
How to Share Dreams: the Speaker and the Listener
SPEAKER’S JOB
Your task is to honestly talk about your feelings and beliefs about your position on this issue. Explore what this position means to you, what the dream might be behind your position, tell the story of the source of this dream or this belief: where it comes from and what it symbolizes. You must be clear and honest. What do you really want on this issue? Why is it important to you? Try to make your partner understand.
Don’t argue for nor try to persuade your partner of your point of view; just explain how you see things. Tell your partner your thoughts and feelings about your position on this issue.
You may want to look over the list below for a sample of dreams that people sometimes have (or have lost) that could underlie the position you have taken on this issue.
SAMPLE DREAMS for the Dream Sharer (the Speaker)
1. A sense of freedom
2. The experience of peace
3. Unity with nature
4. Exploring who I am
5. Adventure
6. A spiritual journey
7. Justice
8. Honor
9. Unity with my past
10. Healing
11. Knowing my family
12. Becoming all I can be
13. Having a sense of power
14. Dealing with my aging
15. Exploring a creative side of myself
16. Becoming more powerful
17. Getting over past hurts
18. Becoming more competent
19. Asking God for forgiveness
20.Exploring an old part of myself I have lost
21. Getting over a personal hang up
22. Having a sense of order
23. Being able to be productive
24. A place and a time to just “be”
25. Being able to truly relax
26. Reflecting on my life
27. Getting my priorities in order
28. Finishing something important
29. Exploring the physical side of myself
30. Being able to compete and win
31. Travel
32. Quietness
33. Atonement
34. Building something important
35. Ending a chapter of my life
36. Saying goodbye to something
37. Love
LISTENER’S JOB
Your job here is to make your partner feel SAFE enough to tell you what’s behind their position on the issue: their belief, dream or story. Toward this end, you will LISTEN, the way a friend would listen. Ask the questions that are listed on the next page as sample questions for the dream catcher which draw out your partner and his or her point of view. You can contribute to this climate if you suspend judgment and don’t act like a judge but like someone who wants to hear your partner’s story, and the dream behind the story. Just hear it and don’t judge it.
Don’t try to solve the problem. It is much too soon for that. You first need to end the opposition of dreams and become one another’s friend instead of one another’s foe. Try to understand the meaning of your partner’s dream. Be interested.
It is important to realize that the goal is not to solve these problems. The goal is to move from gridlock to dialogue, and to understand, in depth, their partner’s position.
Do not argue for your point of view! Just listen and ask questions.
SAMPLE QUESTIONS for the Dream Catcher (the Listener):
1. Do you have any core beliefs, ethics or values that are part of your position on this issue?
2. Is there a story behind this for you, or does this relate to your background or childhood history in some way?
3. Tell me why this is so important to you.
4. What feelings do you have about this issue?
5. What would be your ideal dream here?
6. Is there a deeper purpose or goal in this for you?
7. What do you wish for?
8. What do you need?
9. Is there a fear or disaster scenario in not having this dream honored?
©2014 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.
Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.
