Myth vs Reality
Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD and John Gottman, PhD
Fight Right, NY, Harmony Publishing, 2024 pp 106-111.
Myth #1: Once we find a solution to the big fight we’re having right now, we’ll be all set—no more fighting!
Reality: Most conflicts are perpetual. We need to learn to approach conflict differently, at a fundamental level, not how to solve one particular fight.
Myth #2: If conflict exists in our relationship, we’re not supposed to be together.
Reality: Conflicts are unavoidable, even for the happiest of couples.
Myth #3: A conflict is a problem to be solved.
Reality: We understand most of our conflicts through continuing dialogue—we don’t resolve them.
Myth #4: One of us is right, and one of us is wrong.
Reality: Both partners’ experiences and points of view are valid. Both of their realities are true.
Myth #5: Men are more logical than women; women are more emotional than men.
Reality: Logic and emotion do not have genders. Men have emotions and need to express them, and women need to be listened to and believed when they describe their reality.
Myth #6: The best conflict management is logical, rational, and unemotional.
Reality: So the best conflict management allows us to understand each other better through listening to each other’s feelings and ideas.
Myth #7: Negative emotions are bad and should be avoided.
Reality: There is nothing wrong with anger. What matters is how anger is expressed. We should never express anger by aiming contempt or criticism at our partner.
