Rules for Softened Start-Up

1. Make Statements That Start With “I” Instead of You

To avoid blame, complaining is okay but criticizing is not. Criticizing is a statement — that often begins with “you” and lists a character flaw of your partner.

Using words such as “always” and “never” is also a criticism because they imply a personality flaw. Examples of criticism include, “You’re so lazy, thoughtless,
inconsiderate, etc.” Or, “You always forget to clean up the kitchen.”

Instead of criticism state your complaint beginning with a statement of how you feel that starts with “I”, like “I feel upset…” or “I’m angry.” Don’t cheat and say something like, “I feel that you’re an idiot,” which is not a feeling.

2. Describe What is Happening, Don’t Evaluate Or Judge

Instead of accusing, blaming, or negatively describing your partner, describe the situation instead. That means saying what you see or perceive objectively and non-judgmentally.

For example, instead of saying, “You never help clean up,” say, “The kitchen is messy,” or, “The bills haven’t been paid yet.”

3. Talk Clearly About What You Need in Positive Terms

Tell your partner what you do need from them rather than what you don’t like or don’t need. In other words, describe specifically how your partner can shine for you.

For example instead of saying, “Don’t leave the kitchen a mess,” you can say, “Honey would you please clean up the kitchen tonight?” Or, “I’d love it if you paid the bills today.”

4. Be Polite

Make requests politely, adding such phrases as “please” and “I would appreciate it if…”

5. Pay Attention to What Your Partner is Doing Right, and Say Thank You

Too often we only notice what our partners are doing wrong rather than what they are doing right. It helps to change our habit of mind and to consciously look for what our partner is doing right. It may be a lot more than what we think.

And saying thank you goes a long way towards encouraging our partner to do even more.