Fair Fighting Guidelines for Couples
Creating Respectful Communication During Conflict
Even healthy relationships involve conflict. What matters most is how partners handle those disagreements. These guidelines support respectful, emotionally safe communication—even when tensions run high.
/ Adapted from Nathan Cobb, PhD, LMFT /
Avoid Degrading Language
Stay away from insults, name-calling, or swearing at your partner. Your tone matters just as much as your words—speak with care.
Avoid Raising Your Voice
If it feels like yelling to your partner, it probably is. Practice lowering your voice to promote calm and connection.
Never Use Physical Force
This includes pushing, grabbing, hitting, blocking, or throwing objects. Everyone deserves to feel physically and emotionally safe in the relationship.
Avoid Threatening to Leave
Statements like “Maybe we should just break up” can feel manipulative and deeply wounding. Avoid using separation or divorce as a threat in the heat of the moment.
Don’t Withdraw or “Stonewall”
Shutting down or giving your partner the silent treatment disrupts connection. Instead, take a respectful time-out when needed—and return to the conversation when both of you are calmer.
Time Out Guidelines
A Tool to Protect and Repair Your Relationship
/ Adapted from The Couples Institute, the Gottman Institute, and Terry Real /
Step 1: Calling a Time Out
• Either partner can call a Time Out at any time.
• Use a pre-agreed signal (a code word or hand gesture) when you start to feel overwhelmed or reactive.
• Speak from your own experience using “I” statements (e.g., “I need a break to calm down”) instead of blaming (e.g., “You’re making me mad”).
Step 2: Take 20–30 Minutes to Cool Down
• Each person sets a timer — 20 to 30 minutes is ideal.
• Use this time for R&R: Rest and Refocus — take a walk, breathe, stretch, or journal.
• The goal is to reduce tension, not to ruminate or plan your next point.
• Remind yourself: The purpose is to limit harm and increase understanding.
Step 3: Returning to the Conversation
• The partner who called the Time Out takes responsibility to restart the conversation when both partners feel calmer.
• Before resuming, check in with your partner to see if they’re ready to talk.
• If either of you still feels escalated, you may take up to 60 more minutes.
• Return only when you can do so without holding a grudge. If resentment lingers, more time may be needed.
• Try to return to the topic within 24 hours — unless it’s a highly triggering topic. In that case, allow up to 48 hours before revisiting.
Step 4: If the Argument Resumes
• If you find yourselves repeating the same argument, this is a good signal to bring it into your next counseling session.
• It may be a deeper issue that needs structured support.
